Is she Miss Right or Miss Wrong?

Sidestep emotional and financial pain later by channelling your inner Jimmy MucNulty now – and expose Miss Wrong before she does you damage

Female Bureau of Investigation

When it comes to police dramas we know the drill: entire days spent observing a suspect, analysing their motives. But what if you could apply those theories to dating? So instead of basing decisions on her initial appearance, you could use key detection techniques to suss her out properly? It’s not as far-fetched as it sounds.

“About 90% of law enforcement involves analysing nonverbal responses,” says former FBI agent Joe Navarro. “You could certainly use those same skills to uncover undesirable behaviours in a woman.” So stop, look and listen – and make sure that engine’s still running outside...

Say cheese

Don’t assume that because a woman’s smiling she’s a sweet, happy-go-lucky type. Social pyschologist Professor James Dabbs found that certain female smiles indicate undesirable levels of testosterone. Avoid a woman with a tight grin “with less muscle activity around the cheeks or the corners of her mouth.” Otherwise you get a potential partner with high aggression and ‘interpersonal dominance’. Instead, look for a wide smile that reaches towards the corners of her eyes.

Pull up a pew

A woman’s seating choice in a bar or restaurant reveals a lot about her. “Someone who picks a seat in the middle of the room is confident, sometimes to the point of narcissism” warns Judi James, body language expert. “Dominant but inwardly anxious women like to sit with their backs to the wall.” James recommends a woman who is sitting “facing the door, but also politely focused on any friends speaking to her. One elbow lightly resting on the table equals confidence but not arrogance.”

Unhappy birthday

If she’s 37, or about to turn it, steer well clear. Research by relationship counsellors Relate found this is the age women are most likely to have a mid-life crisis. “It’s when life gets really hard,” says Relate’s Claire Tyler. “You’re experiencing strong impulses to start a family, pressure at work can be intense and money worries as you progress to the next stage of your life can be crippling.” If the world is a stage, then this stage is a world of trouble.

When eating is cheating

Results just in: girls who eat salads in front of you care too much about their appearance, and aren’t entirely honest. A recent Canadian study discovered that the way women eat around men is designed to impress them. “The salad leaves are meant to say ‘I’m pretty; I’m attractive; I take care of myself,’” says Young. And then she goes home and eats 17 Jaffa Cakes.

On the buses

Beware the girl who chooses the aisle seat on the No 55, leaving the window seat empty. “This shows egocentrism and a belief that they don’t belong in the real world,” says James. “When a woman removes herself from a situation without consideration for others, it shows she can easily disengage her emotions. Instead, go for the girl who plumps for the middle of the upper deck in a window seat and you should find someone who is amenable.

Nail it

Heaven help you if your intended has long talons. “Fake nails are meant to imply high status and wealth, to the point that a woman doesn’t need to do anything for a living,” says James. “In other words, she’s desperately high maintenance so steer well clear.” But neither are you on safe ground pursuing a girl with short, chewed fingernails. “Those raggedy nails indicate someone with issues of suppressed aggression.” And you’re her next target.

Lines of the times

Check out your suspect’s forehead and upper lip for an insight into her brain. “If she has a furrow between her eyebrows, it’s a proven sign she gets stressed easily,” says relationship psychologist Suasn Quilliam. “If she has lines where her lips purse, it indicates she gets irritated easily and isn’t particularly happy.” Not all lines are bad though. Lines around the outside edge of her eyes are a sign, according to Quilliam, of a “genuinely warm person”. Tell your mum, too.

Neck lies

“One of the most important things to look for when cross-examining a witness is how often they touch their neck,” says Navarro. “Once, looking for an armed fugitive, I visited his mother’s house to question her. Every time I said the words ‘son’ and ‘house’ she touched her neck. It made me suspicious, and we later discovered he was hiding there. It’s behaviour you’ll see time and again when someone is feeling anxious or insecure.”

Leg it

Check out how she arranges her legs. “If they’re wrapped around one another she’s got low self-esteem to the point of paranoia” says James. “It’s a sign that she’s trying to shrink into herself. The reverse is the woman who crosses her legs with her upper foot extended and rocking; this implies arrogance and impatience. It’s a very masculine trait that hints at someone demanding.” Look instead for a girl with legs crossed at the thigh but with the lower leg relaxed.

First-class fidget

Don’t mistake any girl peeling at the label on your Becks, or rolling candle wax during a conversation, for cute shyness. The truth is she’s got no interest in what you’re saying and probably never will. “These little ticks are called escape movements” says Quilliam. “It’s her body showing she’s irritated and wants a route out. If she’s not focused, she’s not interested.” Good job that engine’s still running...

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